2019 has come to an end, which means the color series I’ve been doing on Instagram has also come to an end. Is it completely rude to myself if I say - FINALLY!
I thought I’d just share a little reflection on this six month project, why I started, how it affected me and my process, and everything in between.
From the get go, both with my Instagram account as well as this blog (which unfortunately hasn’t been the most consistent), I’ve stated time and time again that they were both creative outlets. I started losing the light in my day to day life. I was uninspired and my anxiety was getting the best of me. So, upon reflecting on how happy I was during my college years and in my early twenties when I still blindly pursued dreams and hobbies, I thought I needed that again.
But this challenge while I started off confident, felt a little bit like a set back.
Why I decided on this challenge?
Let’s go back a bit. After last years “25 days of look challenge,” I took a bit of a break and decided to approach my IG account with more of a free form and carefree spirit. I tried incorporating more flatlays, beauty product shots, or other miscellaneous things that I enjoyed. And while that was much easier on my skin and time, I started to really miss my playtime and noticed that taking product shots really weren’t my forte.
Plus, if we’re being really honest, it felt like that miscellaneous content was affecting the engagement with all of you who visited my feed to be inspired. After all, my account is not about consumerism or the latest and greatest product. It is about staying inspired, whether I am inspiring you with what is inspiring me, or you inspiring and motivating me to keep pursuing this passion of mine.
After that realization, I felt a certain clarity and peace of mind and dove into my existing makeup stash to create some of my favorite colorful, fresh faced looks. And from the thought of more deeply exploring some of these colors that a lot of people are afraid to approach, the color series idea was born.
It’s not an original idea. Plenty of accounts (beauty or other) follow a color scheme to maintain the aesthetic of their feed. But for me, it was less about aesthetic and more about diving into color theory in a unique way.
So with a comment from @theskinnyi about wanting to see red, it began.
What was it like?
At first, it was thrilling - particularly because red is my favorite color. I felt oddly confident going into the challenge. I had a clear mission statement and vision. Let’s create some bomb ass looks with some bomb ass colors. Let’s not worry about wearability or anything like that. Let’s just explore color the way we did when we were kids who graduated from the 12 crayon box to the 64 crayon box.
I found inspiration everywhere. Walking to work, intentionally at museums or flipping through art books, and even in times within me and what I was going through at the time.
Where I struggled was feeling like I was a one trick pony. Another smokey eye, another halo, another glossy lid, could I do anything else? Then came the thoughts - why would people enjoy this? None of this is wearable? I mean, even if you made revisions and came up with paired down versions of, was it any different from what was out there?
And as the solution oriented person I am, I turned to my bullet journal/planner to start vigorously planning out my next steps.
Inspiration came less naturally. I spent hours researching and scrolling, screenshotting things that I wanted to recreate or things that sparked any sort of anything within me. I started to loose the fun, that playtime mindframe.
And the truth is - I started rebelling against myself early.
If you look back between the nine red looks and the four maroon ones, there are six out of place neon orange looks. If you love me, you’ll try to justify, “oh, but orange works! Orange comes next! That was a good transition.”
But I knew and had planned for orange to come in a few weeks. I know myself. I was already tired of the rigid structure this project was building around my playtime. I was rebelling against myself. Those few neon looks were the most fun and spontaneously creative looks I think I created in 2019.
But if there is one thing I’m not, I’m not a quitter. And I wanted to explore color and had to reset my focus on that. But what was the meaning I was searching for?
As I left the small maroon portion, I played around with a lot of ideas. Do I go to deep purple? Or should I stay the ROYGBV route? Despite my inner desire to have more freedom within this challenge, I still decided to go the ROYGBV route.
Why?
Because I wanted to see if I could find enjoyment within the challenge and structure I had created for myself. I didn’t want to take the easy way out; I didn’t want to run away.
So from maroon, I went to Terracotta. And suddenly, the happiness from playing with makeup returned. Textures, techniques, trends I wanted to try (hello faux freckles!) all came barging to the forefront. I was excited again. I was inspired by the earth, by ceramics, by the way skin changes color after prolonged time under the sun.
What’s more - the color brought me back to a few years ago when I was on vacation in Antigua and Barbados. And those memories fueled that inspirational flame within to keep going.
I was really happy during the Orange/Peach/Yellow portion of this series. That will to keep trying new things, even going back to posting non-makeup content and more about my personal life and style, was going strong and carried me through the Lime and Aqua series as well.
But when I got to Green - a color that really inspires me - I started to feel that lull again. The weather was starting to get chillier and work was starting to get busier. And mentally, I was somewhere else. I suffer from seasonal depression and tend to focus on how sad and empty I’m feeling. And from that, my focus turns to how bad I’m doing at life.
I couldn’t let myself spiral into a dark abyss another year, especially with this color series that I had pushed so hard to get through and enjoy. So my focus shifted again and I decided to use the rest of the series as color therapy. And it came at the perfect time.
Green is the color of life! Green makes me feel steady and artistic and all the while fierce and sexy. And then came blue, the color of clam, the color of water, the color of my childhood. I had to channel all of those memories, all of those feelings and turn them into sunlight for myself. I refused to take part of my depression this year. I didn’t want it.
And truth be told. It kind of worked. I won’t say I that I was cured because I definitely skipped a few shooting days and laid in bed moping instead. But in my entire life, I’ve never faired better through what is usually a very difficult time.
Those mopey, sad, manic times showed through during the series too. Somehow I jumped from Blue to Pink to Lavender and then back to Navy. And this is about the time I decided I needed to write about this 6 month journey.
At this point in the series, things in my personal life were a mess. No bad breakups or anything like that. To simply put it, adulting seems to never end and never seems to stop being a bitch.
That weird portion of Pink and Lavender was all over the place. It was inconsistent and experimental but looking back, I can see exactly how I was feeling the day I shot those looks. While to the outside world, I’m posing in the same few poses I know. To me I can see the sadness, anxiety, and even the minute “playtime” had brought my spirits up, and even times where I was actually really happy.
How it affected me?
There’s only honestly here right?
I’m tired. I was tired when I reached that odd little color mix up and I’m tired Anow just thinking and reflecting on the whole project.
Hanging out with my brother one afternoon, I sighed deeply and told him that I need to spend my holiday break stockpiling looks for the artists series that I promised in January. But before he could say anything, I confessed to him that after this color series, that playtime spirit that I started this whole IG/Blog thing with was dimming rapidly.
I told him that despite the fact that I love structure and a schedule, it’s just too hard to not let myself be free. And he understood.
By doing the color series, I found strength and joy in sharing this hobby of mine again. I found that I appreciate color in my life so much more than I thought I did. That without meaning to, I associate memories and emotions to colors that I had never really considered before. But I also found that the free-spirited girl I once was is still there within me. That maybe the structure of having a job is enough, that outside of that I have to let myself live in the only way I know best how.
I think I’ll stay away from series for sometime and see where my mind and soul take me.
PS - I will still be doing the artist series, but I am going to find another way. Perhaps posting on the artists’ birthdays??
